Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of homosexuals quite like a visit to the in-laws.
Except perhaps a visit from the in-laws.
Or maybe that time when your baby’s Mom showed up on the front porch with all her stuff.
Anyway, yours truly saw her parents make the trek all the way out to scenic Denver this past Christmas.
Ah yes. My baby got hers (after that whole homeless Mom incident) as we gained the new year.
Actually, Mom, Dad, Steph, and I have worked out most of the really ooky nasty stuff so the visit was quite pleasant. We all just relaxed, sat back and had a good time. My family’s favorite holiday customs include eating too much and watching too much television and we fufilled our familial duty well.
Also, my mother and I shopped ’til we dropped while my father snatched me away to enjoy several good James Bond films.
Oh yes, Dad and I love ol’ Puddinhead, as we call him.
I know, I know.
Lesbian Law #9: Never promote anything which oppresses women.
But, James is so hilarious! Who cares?! Plus, my Dad and I, we bond with Bond. It’s yet another of the Lesbian Housewyfe’s traditions.
Anyway, I have obviously developed a few strategies to deal with the old folks at home. I share them with you in penance for that whole James Bond addiction.
1. Be yourself.
The biggest mistake most of us make when dealing with our parents is to fall back into those old patterns from our teenage years. I was the quiet good one in my family. I avoided problems. I smoothed over difficulties. I never washed a dish unless absolutely forced to.
After our first visit with my Mom and Dad, my lovely wyfe looked at me and said, “Who the hell are you and what have you done with my lover?” Then she began looking through my parent’s guest room for the pod.
So remember, you are a different person now. As soon as I popped back into reality, I started speaking a new language, heavily influenced by that Lesbian Housewyfe phenonmenon, “Insta-truth.” I know it’s hard but parents can endure just about anything you can dish out. They are strong people. After all, they managed to live with you for several years -including the teenage ones. The Folks can take it. My Mom and Dad took about a month to adjust, but the rest of our time together has worked out just fine. They respect me more now than they did when I first began this amazing trip with Stephanie and we can actually talk openly.
But not too openly.
Boundaries have to be set somewhere.
After all, do you really want to hear about the sex life of people you have seen attempt to change into their pajamas without uncovering a single square inch of flesh?
And they don’t want to hear about your sex life since they spent a good portion of the beginning of their marriage changing your diapers.
Puts a real kibosh on romance, let me tell you.
The most enjoyable element of this suggestion is rediscovering these people who raised you. Boundaries are created to be pushed against. Remember, they have more on you than you do on them.
They are holding all the nude baby pictures. All you have to fight with is “Why did you do (fill in the blank) to me?”
Step away from that strategy and start collecting the dirt. They should pay for taking those photos.
A major reason why we can’t have good relationships with our parents is that we take them too seriously.
I know I did. I discussed them. I analyzed their every move, word, and intonation. I analyzed my every move, word, and intonation. I discovered that I was becoming my mother.
I screamed continuously for days on end with horror.
Then, my sweet Stephie, the love of my life, the shining angel in my existance, shook me until my head spun and said, “Get a grip!”
So I did.
I suddenly discovered, as I stepped away from the whole situation and began accepting that I was who I was -even the parts that are like my mother, that my parents are funny people. They have their own special quirks which really can be considered humorous. If you saw them on a sit-com, I know you would laugh.
For example, when I came out to my Mom, she was totally against the whole idea. She kept saying, “But LA, I just don’t think you truly are a lesbian.”
Finally, exasperated and running out of arguments (I was down to, “Well, Ma. I’m having lots of sex with a woman and really enjoying it. What do you think that means?”), I said, “Ma, I think you’re floating down that big river in Egypt.”
She replied, “What?”
She let out this giant bark of laughter, stopped herself, and said, “That’s not funny.”
I think we can all agree that this whole exchange provides an example of exactly the type of humorous people your parents could be if given half a chance. The Folks can be funny.
Even if they don’t mean to.
Get a good look at your parents. There has to be one funny thing about them. Maybe it’s their ears.
Ears are always a good place to start. They have to be the funniest looking thing on everyone’s body. Of course, good ears turn me on, but then again, I like to laugh.
Soon you will find yourself chuckling about the fact that Dad drinks too much, and making fun of him by doing imitations of him stumbling home drunk late at night.
Perhaps you’ll even do your performance in front of him.
It could happen.
Anyway, if all else fails, maybe your Mom has a big nose. I lost out on that count.
Lucky she has that wicked sense of humor.
3. Have sex while your parents are in the next room sleeping.
Now, I know this is hard.
Bite the bullet.
But, do be sure they are asleep.
Remember, June knows best. After all, isn’t Lesbian Law #1: Never Underestimate the Power of the Lesbian Housewyfe?
My family loves me.
And so does Steph’s.
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