Diary of a Lesbian Housewyfe: Drunk Nostalgia

I have a place that I like to go and remember the special moments of my life. I call it “the liquor cabinet.” All of my liquor (NOT the wine and beer) sits on top of my refrigerator. I know I read somewhere that you should never store your liquor […]

Drunk Nostalgia

Tomatoes in the Mist

The last several mornings, I’ve woken up to mist or rain. I feel like I’m living in the northwest. When I step outside to walk the dog, sweat immediately begins to pour down my forehead despite the cool morning. The humidity must be somewhere around 1000%. Exertion makes it worse […]

Granny Bradley Tomato

Diary of a Lesbian Housewyfe: Pro-“Grass”-Tination Blues

Every year, we have a moment where the snow melts and the earth begins to smell again. Not in a bad way, simply that dirt smell we lose when the ground freezes. Just past Easter, the ski mountain closes and green grass miraculously takes the place of the snow. Crocuses […]

Pro-"Grass"-Tination Blues

Diary of a Lesbian Housewyfe: Mitzvot?

A couple of years ago, Stephanie and I got invited to a “Seder and Kugel Cookoff” for Passover. Like good little gentiles (Lesbian Law #6: “Celebrate diversity in all its forms.”), we did extensive research on the internet and our cookbook archive for recipes. We settled on two, one matzoh […]

The Bear Entered Stage Left

Diary of a Lesbian Housewyfe: Guide to Surviving Sporting Events

At the tender age of nine, in a futile attempt to fit in with my classmates, I begged and pestered my poor parents until they agreed to trot me down to the old ball field and sign me up for softball. They spent the remainder of their summer dragging me […]

Diary of a Lesbian Housewyfe: Guide to Surviving Sporting Events

Diary of a Lesbian Housewyfe: Change of Address

Moving is traumatic. I wish I could soften this blow somehow, but even the Lesbian Housewyfe has to admit that uprooting your entire household and taking it somewhere else, even if it is just next door, is not as easy as we all wish. Whether you have a truckload full […]

Diary of a Lesbian Housewyfe: Change of Address

Plant Pirate’s Booty: How to Make a Vertical Herb Garden

With the victorious return of the plant pirate, the next process went into motion. When I plundered my mother’s garden for herbs, I’d envisioned our own herb garden just off the kitchen. The small fragrant mounds of herbs flowed together among the flowers. My sweetie and I needed only to […]

Vertical Herb Garden

Diary of a Lesbian Housewyfe: The Party Guide

Recently, the lovely Lesbian Housewyfe faced a common situation: my wonderful wyfe came home and, as she walked through the door, said, “How about we give a party?” I considered a moment, realizing that this could transform two days of my quiet life into total chaos in exchange for a […]

Diary of a Lesbian Housewyfe: The Party Guide

Diary of a Lesbian Housewyfe: Clearing Out Before the Fall

Ahh, spring cleaning. A wonderful tradition dating back to the dawn of mankind. Me? I gave it up years ago. The tradition basically ended with the dawn of womankind. The whole idea gives me the creeps. The lovely Lesbian Housewyfe’s relieving factor is, of course, Lesbian Law #20: Household duties […]

Clearing Out Before the Fall

Plundering My Mother’s Garden

My sweetie and I have been talking about creating an herb garden and, when we visited my parents right after Easter, I asked my mother if she would share some of her plants with me. She agreed with a motherly excitement and we toured around her garden that afternoon. Distracted […]

Potting the Plants