Hints for a Happy MarriageLots of my friends ask me, “How can I have a wonderful and happy marriage just like you, LA?”

They call me LA because they don’t know me as Mrs. Lesbian Housewyfe and also because that is actually my name.

“LA,” they say, “Reveal your secrets.”

I say, “Unconditional love and communication.'”

And they say, “No, really.”

Well, here it really is.

How can you have a happy marriage just like me?

You can’t.

Well, you could, I suppose, but first you would have to steal away my little honey bunny and that, I understand from her vehement protestations as she participates in that well known party game “back-seat writing,” would be pretty much impossible.

So I guess you’ll need to find your own person to keep you.

Pick someone you really like as well as love and who loves you back in just the same way. If you can’t find someone like that, pick someone wealthy. Really, the most important part of this decision is just to make a decision.

Too many times I find my poor bumbling friends running frantically down that road of life tripping and falling into the roses when they turn their heads to get a mere glance of the beauty instead of just taking some time out.

NEWSFLASH!

All that gets you is a butt full of thorns.

If you were to actually stop, you might find someone else taking a whiff of that sweet perfume. Now, this is a person to take a little walk with. Those people that you bump against accidentally and sprint with for a ways- well, let’s just say, one will become fatigued quickly if one exercises that hard. Problems can also arise when people find someone to walk with and, while they innocently stroll along together holding hands and enjoying the view, someone runs by. That running looks exciting and they’ve forgotton how tiring it is. You know you’re in trouble when you’re still enjoying the walk and your partner starts to jog. You will be okay if you can keep up or if they slow down soon, but let it go if they sprint ahead and out of view.

The factor which makes the difference is when two people (both partners) choose to walk and jog and run down the entire path together, keeping stride or at least waiting at the benches for each other.

So you can see that the most important and primary step to the happy marriage is the decision to be with each other forever. After that, it’s just a matter of formula and an Indy pace car.

Or perhaps a cosmic stop watch.

Now, here are the ingredients for a happy marriage.

Three recipes exist for such a relationship.

The Intense Relationship
Take one heavy cast iron frying pan.
Use liberally.

Generally, this classic recipe works mainly on a traditional caveman level. The bonks on the head keep your mate in line through continual slight unconsciousness and the food keeps them coming back for more. Considered very efficient, this recipe does tend to violate Lesbian Law #3: Never smack your mate or current lover or even cheap one night stand up the side of the head or anywhere else unless they ask you to. One can generally assume your mate doesn’t want to be knocked around like this on a long term basis, so it tends to lead to a short, intense experience.

Of course, one might be wrong.

The Fat and Happy Relationship
Take
3 parts good cooking
2 parts excellent gardening
1 part great sex
A dash of hedonism
Mix all ingredients together vigorously. Add extra hedonism to taste.

Tending to excess in all, this recipe guarantees that one won’t walk away with a trim waistline, but it is a pleasant experience to say the least. However, as soon as any of these ingredients spoil, the end product becomes rancid.

The Final and Forever Recipe
Equal parts of
Unconditional Love
Complete Expression
“Insta-truth”
Flexibility for Change in both partners
Good Listening Skills

Mix together gently and use thoroughly.

This recipe works well on a continuing basis. Life isn’t quite so exciting at times, but the tradeoff of extra energy for your own stuff makes the difference. Remember also that the romps behind the rosebushes don’t have to end just because you’ve been together for two weeks.

Now, one of the ingredients in this recipe defies immediate definition. That is “Insta-truth,” also known as “telling the truth as quickly as possible.” Just as effective as a good sex toy, this ingredient will keep your relationship well lubricated and moving easily through every facet of your life, not just the bedroom (although it won’t hurt there). My partner and I use a healthy combination of all three, most of the time without the bonking. While I highly recommend this state of togetherness to everyone, I know some of us haven’t moved past the first recipe.

Move on, baby.

Life is too short for one more bad lay

… I mean, day.

For those of you who don’t believe me anyway (and I know you’re out there), just remember Lesbian Law #1: Never underestimate the power of a Lesbian Housewyfe.

I’m a happy little camper.